I'm sure there are worse feelings in the world, but sexual jealousy has to be up there in the top five. It's been a long time since I felt it with any vehemence, and it's just as well, but I came across a little atavistic trace of it a second ago and it's frightening how it all comes flooding back.

OK. Executive summary. On several occasions over the last however many years I've been afflicted by extended bouts of sexual jealousy, which were so unpleasant that remembering then makes my skin crawl. The only thing I've felt that was worse was filial guilt. And in my experience at least, although filial guilt cuts more keenly it's at least blessedly episodic, whereas sexual jealousy is typically relentless. Well, those episodes are now far enough in the past that I'd quite forgotten that I used to feel that way; I was reminded in a rather benign way just now that I did used to feel that way, and the recollection was very disquieting.

Evidently life has been going well for me. I still have my morose moments, but taking the longer view I can say I haven't been acquainted with real despair for a good long time. I'd like to say that the recent fair emotional weather is a consequence of my own efforts somehow (that I dragged myself into better circumstances) but I don't believe this is the case; I think it's just a question of relative good fortune. When I consider on the one hand the (potential and then actual) force of my own outlook and approach and on the other hand the tidal momentum of fortune, it's very hard to conclude otherwise, even though I'd very much like to give credit to a sunny disposition and winning smile. Well, such as mine are.

I'd also like to be able to say that acquaintance with unpleasantness has ennobled me and strengthened me; but I don't think that's true either. It's taught me a certain disrespect for fortune and misfortune alike that escapes me most of the time, it's given me a certain bleak savoir faire that I thankfully have little occasion to use, it's made me susceptible to flashbacks like the one I had a few minutes ago; but it's a good long distance from that stuff to strength and nobility.

Anyway. I need to go to bed. I wasn't going to write at all, despite having things to record, but then I had my little episode and suddenly I had something I needed to set down as opposed to just stuff I probably ought to record. But now I'm done. I'm very tired; I need to learn to draw flowers tomorrow. Just have to come up with something suitably sweet to reminisce about as I fall asleep. I'm sure there'll be something.